Tuesday, March 29, 2011

History for Dummies: Facebook Edition

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As a history major I often find that history classes can unfortunately be terribly dull. College professors tend to go off on random rants about politics, wives who left them, and various tertiary topics that don't help students grasp the subject at hand. Therefore, fellow college students, I invite you to leave the antiquated halls of confusing college lectures and step into the office of Professor Facebook, PHD.

HISTORY THROUGH FACEBOOK (Part 1)

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Username:
Jesus Christ 
5 minutes ago




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Totally pysched about the trip to Jerusalem







Judas
Hey Jesus, sorry but I might have to leave the Passover dinner early tonight, gotta go talk to the High Priests about.....stuff.

Peter
Jesus, my main man! I totally got your back at the party tonight. You can count on me buddy, would never deny you to anyone. Seriously
Matt from Cana
Hey man hit me up anytime you’re in Cana. That water into wine trick at my cousin’s wedding was sicccckkkkk dude



High Priest Legal Group
Mr. Christ,
    Your continued refusal to repay us for your rampage at the Temple has forced us to take legal action and sue you for damages. “I am the Son of God, I can do whatever the hell I want” is not legally applicable to Talmudic Law.
Sincerely,
The Jerusalem Jewish Lawyers
Satan
Gonna be back in the desert anytime soon? Last time we chatted it was alot of fun. We should do lunch

Lazarus
Jesus! I cannot thank you enough, everyone keeps telling me “I thought you were dead?”. I am a huge hit at parties, never had this luck with the ladies my first life! I owe it all to you
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I’m a carpenter from Bethlehem, God is my dad. I do some preaching on the weekends. Oh, and I’m going to save mankind.




Information


Relationship Status:
Permanently Single





Current City:
Roaming around Israel right now




Birthday:
December 25th



Friends: 2,000,000,000






























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Event: Invading Russia

5 minutes ago




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What’s on your mind?






Napoleon
I got this.
Hitler
Fuck you Napoleon, I totally called dibs on this place.
Marshal Zhukov
Hahahaha.....ahh.
Hitler
What’s so funny Zhukov? Why don’t you stop making fun of my paintings over the internet and we’ll settle this on the streets of Stalingrad
Marshal Zhukov
It’s on.
Mikheil Saakashvili (Georgia)
Georgia is definitely gonna be there....America you’re gonna come too right?
America
Uhhh I wish I could make it but I have a family reunion that weekend. Sorry....:(
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 Description: Invade the largest country on earth, get bogged down, retreat in disgrace and be exiled and/or killed.




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Time: Anytime in the last 200 years





Location: Russia




Additional Info: Event includes but is not limited to; guerrilla warfare, sub-freezing temperatures, urban warfare, winter retreats. BYOB




Attending: 2
























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File:YuanEmperorAlbumGenghisPortrait.jpg


Username:
Ghenghis Khan
5 minutes ago


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Basic information _______________________________________________________________

Sex: Male

Current City: Anywhere on the           Steppe

Birthday: Every damn day

Relationship Status: Swinger

Looking for: A nice women to pillage with

Political Views: Right-wing

Religious Views: None


Personal Information _______________________________________________________________

Activities: Pillaging, slaughter

Interests: See above

Favourite Music: Melodic deathmetal, kind of in a Barry Manilow phase right now though

Favourite TV shows: Three’s Company

Favourite Quotations: “Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women”

About Me: I’m really just misunderstood


Contact Information _______________________________________________________________

Email: ghenghisdabestest@aol.com

Current address: A yurt



Education and Work _______________________________________________________________

College: West Mongolia Polytech (major in conquering, minor in pillaging)

High School: GED

Employer: I’m my own boss

Position: Emperor of the fuckin’ Mongols

Description: Pretty self-explanatory actually



Groups __________________________________________________________________________
Mongol Empire, Great Conquerors, Assholes of History

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Emperor of the Mongols, leader of the Golden Horde.... No big deal



Information

Relationship Status: 20 or so wives




Current City: a big-ass yurt somewhere bitches....


Birthday: ERRDAY MY BIRTHDAY

1Friends

Kubla Khan