Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Blondes have more Fun

People who makes movies are intelligent people (except for whoever directed Jonah Hex-fuck that guy). They generally produce films that feature a likable main character, compelling love story, and intriguing plot line. However, a villain or anti-hero is needed to round out the piece. The villian needs to be someone whom the audience would not naturally associate with or feel sympathy for, leading to a common stereotype in films; blonde villians. Since it is estimated that only 14-16% of the American population is naturally blonde, this leaves a solid 84-86% of our darker-haired brethren; a solid audience for a film. In fact, the preponderance of blonde villains in film is so high that this article will only cover male blondes. With that in mind, I give you....

BLONDE VILLAINS THROUGHOUT MOVIE HISTORY (who were assholes)

1.The Cocky Rich Blonde Guy
The smugness and attention only 80's hair can bring....
....then not so smug.
"Sorry Harry, magical talents don't earn my respect"
Background:
Rich, WASP types
Notable Examples: 
Hardy Jenns from Some Kind of Wonderful(1987) and Draco Malfoy (2000's)
Villainous line: 
"My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford...You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."-Draco Malfoy
What he was really saying: 
"Hang around with the landless untermensch too long Harry, and you'll turn into a ginger yourself"


This particular strain of blonde villian was so popular that there was a character in Not Another Teen Movie simply titled "the cocky blonde guy"
"I INVENTED THE TURTLENECK"

2. The Insecure Blonde Guy
Please take note of another common Hollywood stereotype pictured in the background; the token black guy


"STOP MAKING FUN OF MY DICK SIZE"
Before steroids....

 
...and after.
Background: 
Variable socio-economic status, driven to suceed in athletics and battle an Italian American-rival. Possible small penis size.
Notable Examples: 
Ryan McCarthy in Never Back Down(2008), Ivan Drago in Rocky 4(1985), Johnny Lawrence in The Karate Kid(1985), Dean Sampson, Jr in She's all that(1999)
Villainous Line: 
"I must break you"-Ivan Drago
What he was really saying:
"We will go through a horribly staged 15 round fight, during which I will knock you down several times, murder my trainer, call out the Premier of the Soviet Union, then inexplicably lose. Oh, and you'll end the Cold War"


3. The Blonde Guy in the Military
Hair obviously out of regulation standards.
Lookin' fly as a Mutha-fucka

Background:
Military Officer who happens to be blonde
Notable Examples:
Captain Harrison Love in The Mask of Zorro (1998), Captain William Boone in The Jungle Book (1994)
Villianous Line:
"Heads in wine pitchers, hands in water jars...must strike you as odd"
What he was really saying:
"I'm pretty blazed right now, so I apologize if I say some far-out shit"

4. The Blonde Guy who isn't even Human
To be honest, I got nothing for this picture. it's a naked Rutger Hauer with a dove. You can draw your own conclusions 
"Remember me? I was in Section 2"
"Me too! :D"

Background:
Blonde villian who is a cyborg or vampire. More "moody" than other blonde villians
Notable Examples:
James from Twilight(2008), Andrew Scott in Universal Soldier (1992), Roy Batty in Blade Runner (1982), David in The Lost Boys (1987)
Villainous Quote:
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die. "
What he was really saying:
Actually I think he meant exactly that.

5. Iceman
Gaydar: Low
Gaydar: rising
Gaydar: Moderate activity
Gaydar: high
Gaydar: Elton John levels

Background:
F-14 fighter pilot, Naval Academy graduate. Went to same hair stylist used by Ivan Drago
Notable Examples:
Iceman in Top Gun(1986)
Villainous Line:
"You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe. I don't like you because you're dangerous. "
What he was really saying:
"I love you."

Now you're probably saying "Wait, Iceman could have gone in the military blonde guy section or Insecure blonde guy section? Why does he get his own category?". Well, I guess I'd have to say, how many blonde villains have tribute videos on you tube with over one million views?
Let's remember Iceman as he was, and not as Val kilmer became.
Or to be more specific, obese as shit.

1 comment:

  1. "We are people too Sebastian!"
    ...on behalf of Roy.

    ReplyDelete