Monday, March 21, 2011

Talkin' bout My Generation

Every generation in modern America has produced unique social cliques and subcultures. The 1950's saw the birth of beatniks and greasers, the 1960's gave rise to hippies, the 1980's produced yuppies and the New Wave. But like the sad descent of a great rock band into drugs and alcohol addiction, the 1990's and 2000's have produced a veritable flurry of American subcultures that positively suck ass. Speaking for my whole generation of 21 year olds and aspiring 21 year olds, I would like to apologize for five embarrassing cliques in particular. I give you......

Five Social Cliques my Generation started (that I am so, so sorry for)

1) The "Lax Bro"

How they were created: 
The "lax bro" is indigenous primarily to the Eastern shore of the country, though it seems to be spreading Westward like the smell of a wet fart. Sometime in the late 1990's lacrosse emerged in New England as "that odd sport white people play" (parallel to water polo on the West Coast), borrowing a sport originated by Native Americans centuries earlier. Sitting Bull and the Sioux Nation rolled in their grave.Lingo like "flow", "lax", "lacrosse-titute" and "broha" entered into everyday vernacular in countless private schools along the East Coast, and lax bros can be identified by common names such as "Chet".They are rampant at Duke, the university of Virginia, and various other schools with NCAA division one lacrosse programs.
Why they must be stopped:
Need I say more?

Redeeming member:

"What about lacrosse camp?.....Alot of those skills are universal"
2) The Hipster

How they were created:
 An eclectic compilation of the grunge, hippie, and beatnik styles, hipsters emerged in the Seattle, New York City, and New England areas in the early 2000's. Identifiable by their garish garb, commitment to eating organic food, and fondness for obscure indie music. Tight pants are the most commonly worn item of clothing.
Why they must be stopped:
Pseudo-intellectuals suck, but nothing is worse than pseudo-intellectual lecturing you on Marxist theory or the latest concert they attended by some band you have never heard of.
Redeeming member: 
Zooey Deschanel

Well, hipsters aren't all bad

3) The Ed Hardy/Tapout wearing Guy

How they were created: 
Sometime in the last ten years society deemed that regular t-shirts were just not ostentatious enough, and unleashed the bedazzled plague that is Ed Hardy and Tapout. Roughly coincides with the explosion of popularity for the MTV reality series Jersey Shore
Why they must be stopped:
Wearing Ed Hardy just looks bad because it's the equivalent of wearing a shirt that says "I have gross insecurities about myself", but Tapout is more troubling because almost everyone who wears it has no affiliation with UFC or mixed martial arts in general. Wearing Tapout clothing an inordinate amount of time is commensurate to dressing up like a cop or fireman when you are employed as neither. This wouldn't be a big deal except that wearing tapout clothing expresses that you think you are a fighter, and when a real fighter actually wants to fight you it well end poorly.

"Wait you actually expect me to put out fires?"
Redeeming Member:

Actual UFC fighter Ben Rothwell
4) The "New" Urban Rapper

How they were created:
Emerging from the ruins of hip hop's golden age of the late 80's to mid 90's, the new urban rapper abandoned lyrics promoting social consciousness and switched to charming new numbers such as "Got Money" and "Show yo Ass". This is accompanied by a change in style to increasingly gaudy outfits, over-reliance on auto-tuning, and a general inundation of radio with awful music.

Martin Luther King also rolls over in his grave
Why they must be stopped:
I know this sounds crazy now, but Hip hop actually was good once, and it can be good again if actual artists can wrest its creative direction away from the rap equivalent of Elton John and Cher. Focusing on making good music and not dressing like androgynous drug dealers would be a good start.

Soulja Boy....serving as a corporal in the Imperial Army of Shitty rappers
Redeeming Member

DMX: a man not to be crossed
5) The "Emo" Crowd

How they were created:
Undoubtedly the worst of all new social groups, "emo" kids generally are made of suburban white teenagers moaning about the horrors of a stable household and having to attend college. Feel their pain.
Why they must be stopped:
Unfortunately emo's have generally taken over the pantheon of rock music, transforming from the ass-kissing days of bands like Van Halen......

....into this.
Ipods in Hell only play My Chemical Romance songs.

So much angst, so little work ethic. The emergence of "whine-rock" has crippled the rock industry. So if you truly want to fight the sad development that is emo music, whenever you see one blast Guns and Roses or Metallica. Trust me, it will drive them nuts.

Because every time a classic rock song plays, an emo kid sheds a single tear



  2. Hipsters/Redeeming member : none?

    Zooey Deschanel is just one of many examples.
    I guess Tom too.

  3. touche, i totally forgot about ol' zooey. i'll correct this post