Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Detroit Rock Shitty

The Sad Decline of "Motor City"
Anyone who watches the Super Bowl these days is watching primarily for the ads during commercial breaks . Sure you can say you watched the game because you cared about which team won, but that's like saying you read Playboy for "the insightful editorials" or watch porn because of "it's artistic value". Of course the day after the Super Bowl everyone debates which commercials were the best or worst, and then forgets about them in a week or so. For me though, one commercial has lasted in my memory, if only for it's stunningly brazen dishonesty. Dear Readers, I present to you the "imported from Detroit" commercial.

The basic aim of the commercial is pretty obvious. Chrysler is trying to convince us (the consumer) that Detroit is actually a pretty cool place, and that the media has unfairly stigmatized by the media.

The Detroit we think we know......and Detroit according to Chrysler.

The first clue that the commercial is somewhat untruthful is that it is narrated by some gravely-voiced old-timer who sounds like he just left the shootout at the O.K. Corral. I understand that Chrysler was trying to sound authentic and tough when they picked a narrator who's likely been smoking a pack a day since he was eight, but this was over the top. Honestly, have you ever met anyone from the inner city who talked like that?

Straight outta Detroit mothafucka

The commercial then pans out to a view of the city highlighting its best aspects. From the commercial, you would think Detroit was pretty scenic. Well, here's what it really looks like.



My mistake, half of those pictures are from Stalingrad. But Detroit actually is a warzone-more people were murdered in Detroit in 2009 than soldiers were killed in Afghanistan than in the same year. I am not making this up. More people were murdered in a city in Michigan with less than a million people than a country with 28 million people....that is having a war. Once again, I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

The commercial then moans and groans about how Detroit is just misunderstood by people who "have never even been here" and derides such crazy practices as "reading papers". What is this, a commercial or a interview with the high school counselor? Detroit doesn't mention that it makes shitty cars that can't compete with Japanese products. No, Detroit is just that emo kid that noone understands who's sulking outside the Principal's office because he got caught selling meth. This commercial's dialogue could have been pulled from Marilyn Manson's diary as a 16 year old.
Pictured: Detroit

 Informed citizens who make wild and crazy choices like "reading papers" would know that Chrysler has more trouble selling cars than Lindsay Lohan does at staying out of court. They sell less than half the cars they did only ten years ago. I'm only a history major, but I can only guess that in business terms that is "bad"

Calendar YearUS Chrysler Sales %Chg/yr.
1999[14]2,638,561
20002,522,695decrease4.4%
2001[15]2,273,208decrease9.9%
2002[16]2,205,446decrease3%
20032,127,451decrease3.5%
2004[17]2,206,024increase3.7%
2005[17]2,304,833increase4.5%
2006[9]2,142,505decrease7%
2007[9]2,076,650decrease3.1%
2008[18]1,453,122decrease30%
2009[19]931,402decrease36%
2010[20]1,085,211increase17%




















The commercial also pulls at our patriotic heartstrings, gushing about how "American" Detroit is. Until several years ago, Detroit was actually owned by Mercedes and run by this man. A german.

Who coincidentally is the proud owner of the world's finest molest-ache.

The commercial ends with Eminem staring with his trademarked "confrontational Eminem face" and declaring that "This is the motor city....THIS IS WHAT WE DO". Do what? Make bad cars? Let a bunch of people get murdered? Produce moronic commercials?

Pictured: The moment Eminem sold out

So can anything be done? Is Detroit doomed? Well actually, yes. There is no scientific reason for it, but when things go south white people tend to skedaddle like there's a sale on Birkenstocks in the next county. The African-American population of Detroit has begun to dip too. Detroit's population today stands at half of its level in 1950. So yes, Chrysler lied, Detroit is basically as dead as disco. But hey, they still have good sports teams right?

Just kidding


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