Monday, February 28, 2011

America needs Two and a Half Men on TV (and here's why)

Charlie Sheen Theory
Over the years I have struggled with understanding how the economy works. I struggled with financial terms that were thrown at me like "compound interest", "municipal bonds", and "Fritts's credit card debt". Recently however I discovered how the US stock market really works, and trust me, each and every American should be concerned at my findings. The stock market is entirely dependent on one man.

Charlie Effing Sheen.

Now you're probably asking, "How can the most batshit crazy man in America control the stock market? He's just a great film and television actor with a nasty drug habit and fondness for call girls?" Trust me, I don't understand myself why the stock market has attached its fortunes to this man. But in the last 30 years Charlie Sheen's personal and professional life have guided the results of the stock market more so than any other significant factor. Don't believe me? Here's the S & P 500 averages over the last 30 years

Nothing special about that right? But look again-Charlie Sheen's financial success as an actor directly corellates to the sucess of the stock market. Sheen's greatest financial successes as an actor in the 1980's "coincidentally" corresponded to market highs-the market spiked in 1984 with the release of "Red Dawn", in 1988  with "Young Guns" and in 1989 "Major League". You might think, "Wow! This is great! As long as Charlie Sheen's career is going well, the economy will flourish!" But there is a flip side.

In 1987 Charlie Sheen starred in the unfortunate car-heist flick No Man's Land. How bad was No Man's Land?I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
File:No mans land 1987.jpg

No Man's Land  was one of the biggest flops of the 1980's, earning barely a million dollars at the box office. Within days of its release the stock market suffered the greatest collapse since the beginning of the Great Depression.
File:Black Monday Dow Jones.svg
Charlie Sheen giveth, and Charlie Sheen taketh away. This trend continued throughout the 1990's-Charlie Sheen worked steadily and the stock market boomed. The market only faltered once in the decade, in 1998; when Charlie Sheen incidentally overdosed on cocaine. Charlie Sheen survived his overdose and the stock market recovered.

The stock market even reached historic highs from 2000-2002 when Charlie Sheen starred in Spin City(and won an Emmy). With Charlie Sheen starring in Two and Half Men in the new millennium, it seemed that our financial worries were over, right? Wrong.

Not only is the market tied to Sheen's financial success, but the market also wants Charlie to be happy (i.e. not married). The two greatest stock market collapses of the decade occured in years that Sheen got married.
Charlie Sheen married Denise Richards on June 15, 2002. The DOW collapsed within a month.

Several years passed and Two and a Half Men became the most sucessful sitcom on television, with the economy steadily strengthening. Not done randomly fucking with the economy though, Charlie Sheen decided to get married again on May 30, 2008 to Brooke Mueller.
Once again the bottom fell out of the stock market, but because Denise Richards is much hotter than Brooke Mueller, this time the fallout was much more severe.

Which brings us to today. CBS has fired Charlie Sheen from Two and  Half Men and he is currently employed. "But wait," you say, "the stock market hasn't collapsed again! Everything is all right in the world right?"

Oh wait.....maybe not.

In the several weeks that Men has been on hiatus the Middle East has completely gone to shit, the price of oil is skyrocketing, and the world appears once again on the brink of disaster. The economy is in great peril as long as Charlie Sheen remains unemployed. Charlie Sheen is playing Limbo with the Devil right now to see how low he can go, and the world suffers for it.

So is Charlie Sheen a raging dickhead who screws with the economy for shits and giggles? Does he know the power he wields? Who knows, but God wants Charlie Sheen to be a rich, successful bachelor living it up 24/7. My guess is Charlie is unaware of his power, but I take this chance to make a personal appeal to CBS. CBS, I beg you to offer Charlie Sheen a spot back on Two and a Half Men while giving him a raise and, as he indicated, "lick his boots". CBS, I know this is painful for you to do this, but remember, you're not doing this for you. You're doing this for America. May Charlie Sheen have mercy on us.


  1. second graph-

  2. 1> I hope Charlie Sheen finds this and makes good use of these correlations
    2> If all of this is true then what will happen to the world when Charlie Sheen passes away?
    3> Why doesn't Charlie Sheen make his own sitcom? 1 man with 2 ladies? 1:2 ?


  3. 1-me too
    2-I'm really not sure. Either the economy will soar because it's no longer held hostage to Sheen's whims, or it could crash dramatically. It's uncharted territory
    3-That is a fantastic idea